Gotta say I was touched by receiving my friend’s watercolour sketch of a duck, which relates to my dream job, and on the back she wrote, “May all your dreams come true.” For a moment I was touched, and the rest of the day I was cranky.

We, my former sweetheart and I, never celebrated birthdays, because life sucks, right? But now that he’s gotten rid of me, he sends me a weird card with 3 skulls on it and a birthday message on the back. We never did that before.

Then today I go off to my new friend who likes me and is treating me to lunch. I feel awkward, donno why. It does not go well. I feel cranky. She blabbers on happily about the sunny day, as she is easily amused – something she said about herself today. I am not easily amused. I hated all the driving in my car which has no AC and is hot. It was a mistake to buy it. Had my ex not been a jerk, I wouldn’t have felt so pressured to buy a car that day and GTFO. I couldn’t handle his levels of jerkiness last summer, so I made a mistake. Pressure, always pressuring myself into choices I don’t really want.

Because, face it, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want life. Never did. When I was a kid and I learned that apple seeds have cyanide in them, I immediately started collecting them in a lovely round pickle jar with honeycomb-like facets. I got it about half full before my parents split up, but the idea of an escape from this life instantly appealed to me at the age of five. I wasn’t even in school yet, but apparently I had a death wish. After school started and no one liked me and I appeared five years older than everyone else physically and mentally, but not emotionally, the death wish increased, of course.

But my friend’s card made me cry, because it was all about enjoying every moment in life, kinda like the cards my pollyanna mother used to send me. However, the reality is that multiple days go by where I enjoy nothing. It’s pretty hard to take. And a bite of delicious orange or half an hour of sunshine is not enough to make the day worth enduring.

Best part of my day was solving an old-school coding problem, even though I have no hope of ever becoming a full-stack programmer or anything like that. I’m just a GIS wannabee, using a bit of python for scripting and automation. The other good part was creating a video for some nonprofit I’m volunteering with. Just networking and using the project to have something to add to my LinkedIn portfolio. They’re glad to have the work, so I don’t feel bad about “using” them. It is something they actually want. And I have started to learn how to make and edit an instructional video.


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