Connection

Connecting with people matters so much to me, despite the fact I’ve failed so badly at it.

Not my fault in a way, given how I was raised. But anyway, my trials have not been too successful. I’m different, so people diss, dismiss, and reject me. They aren’t interested cuz I’m different. I’ve tried so hard. But I tend to talk too much, it seems. I’m interested in what other people have to say but I’m so desperate to speak that I probably don’t give them enough space. Perhaps I’m a “bore.” I try not to be and I’ve been told many times I’m a good conversationalist, but that doesn’t translate into long-term friends. I do have a few of those, but they aren’t the people who told me I’m a good conversationalist.

How the heck can I be lonely in an overpopulated world of 7 billion people? Dunno, but I am. So lonely.

Every time I spend time with people, I feel angst afterwards. I talked too much. I failed. Sorry to say this, and I don’t mean to be “negative” but my life is fail and I should not have been born.

Still I keep trying. Working on some huge changes right now, not that anyone cares.

My ex lives in the same building as me. More than 2 years since the separation, many moments of angst. I hate letting go.  But soon I’ll be moving far away. Torture.

Maybe I’ll actually get a life worth living, soon.

“Give me love, give me peace on earth.” An obscure album I bought in my teen years. I was a Beatles fan early.

Wish me luck. Suicide ain’t pretty, but neither is the pain of fuitile loneliness.

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2018

Been a while since I’ve posted – November, last year.

Still finding it odd there’s 7 billion people on this rock, but I’m lonely. Many are lonely.

At the same time, there seems to be not enough space. It’s hard to own a little cottage and a garden, even if you move out of town. Pretty much impossible to own your home in town, near university and all other exciting amenities. Few people in Vancouver can own their home and most are renters.

I’m trying to get out, even if that means into some house in the middle of nowhere, such as Williams Lake, Greenwood, Port Alberni, whatever.

I wanna grow my own veggies and be free from paying rent on someone else’s investment, and putting up with people clattering overhead, next door, and on the street passing by. The city is killing me, even as it is the source of Meetup buddies, dance classes, and other amenities.

The world doesn’t agree with me and every so often topping myself seems like an easy out.