NLP fallacy and the body rules

NLP fallacy and the body rules

It seems to me there is an important misunderstanding at the centre of NLP. I can only guess it comes from a cultural perspective, a blindness, really. I’m reading the classic text shown in the image above. (And I chopped up the book cover a bit so you could see it all in the wide format image.) “NLP, the new art and science of getting what you want,” by Dr. Harry Alder.

‘Round about page 91 the book gets to a key issue that was pointed out to me by a friend who swears NLP is the reason for his success and happiness: That every action fits a belief. But what is a belief? Dictionary definition says there is conviction attached to a belief. It’s not just observations and conclusions, something I as a scientist can hold for now and change tomorrow when I have new observations. I understand it’s tentative, not a conviction. Or more to the point, it’s a logical expression, an inference, a bit of truth given a certain set of facts. I try to avoid having beliefs. Maybe my belief is that beliefs are dangerous. Certainly many of them are limiting, and that limit can be protective or harmful, depending on the situation.

The woo factor kicks when people turn that around and claim that beliefs can free you from limits, can open you up to abundance in substantial elements of your life. You can choose what to believe. It starts to sound like “The Secret” or “Law of Attraction” and magical thinking like if you write things down they’ll come true. Wouldn’t have thought of that myself, but was recently told that by someone I know. No, you silly bunny, it wasn’t the magic of writing that did it. You set down the problem in an email and sent it to people with the power to do something about it. That’s not magic, even if the relief of a solution feels wonderful and delightful, almost like a magic trick.

I suspect that even tentative opinions or predictions can trigger emotional reactions. If I think this noise is going to go on all day, I will be more stressed than if I know it is temporary. But just telling myself, “All things must pass” isn’t enough. I don’t need a mantra or a soothing lie. I need to know I’m going to get relief from this torture of constant interruption or jarring bodily sensation, or both, from noise. No matter what I think, a day without noise and interruptions is going to be superior peace-wise, than one without.

It seems to me that logic and probability are much more exciting and useful ideas than the idea that you can limitlessly change your beliefs. Positive affirmations only make sense if they are logical and probable. My friend telling himself repeatedly, “I’m attractive to girls,” a sort of brainwashing attempt, doesn’t help him as much as smiling and improving his hairstyle would. It’s logically possible that doing those two things could make a difference over the long term. “Every day I am getting better and better,” as explained by Robertson Davies in his lovely book, “Fifth Business,” is just silly.

So, where does this idea that beliefs determine actions come from? Well, back on page 89, right before the aforementioned important pronouncement on page 91, Seligmann’s famous learned helplessness research is described. This rendition includes an interpretation I hadn’t heard before when my intro psych text covered this concept. The horrible experiment torturing dogs made them give up in terror, but this book actually describes the dogs’ belief process:

He saw that the dogs had learned helpness. Their interpretation of the situation was that it was hopeless to try further, so they stopped trying.

To say that the dogs had an interpretation seems a tad abstract. Sure, maybe dogs have thoughts and ideas like we do. Would it be better to call that an expectation, akin to a prediction? I think so. That is more in line with the problems we have, as well. It’s not that we necessarily have a definite belief, a conviction. It’s that we have an expectation. We don’t expect things to change…and yet that’s exactly what we logically should expect. Habits don’t tend to change, ruts don’t tend to change, and then suddenly they do. More importantly, they can if we work at it.

NLP says to work at changing beliefs, which I would call expectations. Probability – 70-90 percent? That’s pretty high, but it’s not a conviction, a certainty, a belief. The sales cliche is that  you get nine no’s out of 10 queries, and maybe you get a yes. Playing the numbers. Expecting the worst, but keep trying for that nugget of gold. You don’t need much gold to make all the sand worth it. Kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince, that kind of thing. (Yes, I realize the first NLP book wsa called “Frogs into Princes,” way back in the day.)

Alder’s book talks about the patterns within the belief of helpnessness: permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization. (Same section, page 89.) These are useful concepts that align with the ideas of probability and scientific thinking.

We cannot know that things are permanent. We want to feel secure, but the world is not secure. We are surrounded by ambiguity and cognitive dissonance and uncertainty. But corrolaries are the power of probability as well as the opportunities of choice. Pareto Principle or 80/20 rule – 80 percent of value will be in 20 percent of the volume. You could say everything is 80 percent crap! And you can then go looking for the 20 percent.

Pervasiveness is similar to permanence, an idea that whatever is at this moment extends throughout time or our lives.  Similarly, personalizing or identity attributes character to an entity, oneself. I do not have much sense of self. I feel we change a lot. What is permanent? Neither I nor many meditators can find something permanent. We are Heraclitus’ river. We rise and fall.

A few pages later the book says there are degrees of belief. I feel this would have been a much more useful approach than focusing on beliefs as entities and rather black and white thinking.

In a way, it comes down to what Bertrand Russell said in his book “On Happiness,” that if you can’t bear to think about certain things, then think about something else. The power of focus and all that.

So, there are some useful scientific and logical ideas in NLP, but they tend to get lost in a simplistic barrage of claims about belief, which wander into woo territory when they are used by everyone I’ve met so far. These ideas are popular and silly. The best part of NLP is the next part, about somatic responses.

This NLP book goes into a lot of practical detail on how to identify your own somatic response preferences, i.e. , how your body reacts to different situations, memories, thoughts, and so on. We’ve crossed the body-mind dualism into the rich territory of the body, now. The body is easier to pin down, doesn’t require tricky word and concepts. The body gives direct experience. Seems to me that it is more economical to explain the helpless dogs’ behaviour this way, also.  Their bodies learned to expect a trap, just as ours do. No words are needed. I’ve felt trapped and in a panic when I seemed to be locked in a room at one point. The panic made me unable to see a sign that pointed to exit stairs.

Most importantly, the body is an important source of healing and doesn’t get the respect it deserves in our culture. I think this cultural blindness is quite pervasive. I find rare pockets of freedom from it. Our world is dominated by body oppression, I suddenly conclude as I am writing this. Our bodies are far more important than words and beliefs, given that most of us are primitive and ignorant with words and ideas. Let’s at least go down to the bottom, “where all the ladders start,” to the body, the apparent locus of emotion.

 

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Anxiety

Anxiety

Well, I done good as my old high school principal used to say. “Ya done good,” a verbal backslap.

I’m cultivating my own peace within, on top of maintaining the body connection. Sure, I just screamed aloud at the Nth irritation here, someone who keeps walking past my window with a crying brat, which happened half a dozen times today. But other than that, I’m doing great with this hyper-alertness that has plagued me.  I recently realized it’s a form of anxiety.

There was a selfish elephant at the swimming pool this morning that joined my lane and hit and kicked me every time he passed. And other annoying behaviours, including when I confronted him on it. There was a selfish neighbour emptying her dust pan several floors up. Her balcony is the source of the sunflower seed shells I get daily, and now apparently this filth that coats my plants, also. And now apparently a boomcar parked outside my apartment. But, no! No, it was over 2 blocks away, believe it or not, a deejay at the outdoor pool. Why and WTF ever for? It was an amazingly long walk, with the ground reverberating through my shoes. And they have turned it down quite a bit. And I left a note for the landlord about the dirt-neighbour and talked to the lifeguard about the elephant-swimmer (someone who takes more than half the area within the lanes) and the swim-slob kept the lane and I got a big lane to myself over in the deep end. Didn’t know there was a lane there! Fine. I’m not scared of the deep end and no more elephants or other nonsharing selfish people joined.

But the main thing is writing that didn’t make me hotter under the collar. After confronting the boom-bass at the swimming outdoor pool, my body was not in a high state of alert, like it always has been in the past. I wasn’t trembling with anger. Apparently my week of cultivating calm, no matter what, is working. And the shitty things I’ve dredged up just now seem relatively far away, even though they all happened today. Today I focused on getting things done and not wasting time in rage and amazement at how shitty people can be.

Triumph and glory. Despite those people.

 

Dill seedlings

Dill is up. I stood there staring down at the dirt that doesn’t seem to change quickly. So cold, so slow. Record moisture – even some of the seedlings are too wet and yellowing around the edges.

This is tax weekend, in Canada, for those of us who don’t always plan ahead. Got mine done in 3 hours or so. Maybe next year I’ll file electronically, and it’ll be even faster. I keep my biz records all year, so by tax time they are all ready to go and just need to be exported to a document to print out.

Yeah, so not eating or overindulging tonight. Considered it. But my go-to talisman is my own body. Tuning into it does not make me want to eat. I feel bulky and shapeless, despite having a strong core, despite dancing well for an hour, despite riding my bike and all. Looks like flab-reduction surgery is in my future. But first… stay away from the emotional eating and create even more loose flab. Yech. It’s enough to drive you to drink, but that’s not gonna help. Guess it’s time for a movie, some more dancing, or some creative project after a nice hot bath.

My habits of calmness, happiness, and lightness are relatively new. Small, pale green, and weak, just like those dill seedlings.

Triumph in the night

Triumph in the night

So, of course nighttime is when the desperate emotional eating happens. After I’ve waded and pushed through the day, often without much self-awareness, sometimes with emotional walls so I can focus on what needs doing, and often with a growing sense of dissatisfaction. And at the end of the day, when there’s no more energy of motion, I collapse in a needy lump. Can’t get what I need, but sometimes food can take the edge off. Habitually, it has. Alcohol could do the same thing. But whatever thing it is, it’s not the thing I need. I need peace, joy, and connection.

I’ve been cultivating those, and wanna talk about the connection – the self-connection, now. Because I don’t expect to have a partner again. I don’t expect any friend to be there for me. Rarely they are. Would be nice, but I clearly can’t count on anyone. Not like in the movies. I watched a movie like that tonight, “Friends with Kids.” A nice fantasy, love with a twist or two. But another thing I did tonight was my triumph, my new idea.

A project the last couple weeks has been doing a time study, just tracking my major activities on a spreadsheet. They’re also colour coded into four categories – pink for emotional crap, yellow for maintenance, blue for fun times, and green for go-go stuff related to my needed career change. So I’ve increased the amount of green time. Four hours today. And still working on decreasing the nasty pink emotional time.

Having noticed how the nighttimes lead to eating and movies, just as for probably a lot of people in this world, I felt dissatisfied. Then today I got the brill idea of a potential new habit: working into the night. See, when I’m absorbed in work, I’m fairly content. I forget to eat. And then there’s the payoff of figuring out some puzzle, as I did yesterday, or learning something new. And I can see myself doing this as a habit, crazy as it sounds. Counter-intuitive, I mean, this kind of self-connection. But that’s what it is, self-connection.

With sharpening my skills, I should be able to get a job in this field. Hit the ground running. Keep a fast pace on deliverables with knowledgeable and optimized approaches, just as I do in my current dead-end gig that I only do for money. Tonight after the movie, I sat and did a GIS tutorial for an hour. I can see this working for me. Because I’m doing something both constructive and gratifying, instead of late-night eating, this is triumph.

Healing emotional eating

Food has been the go-to. Fill the emptiness. Some desperately-needed pleasure. I need a better source of pleasure, one that goes somewhere other than to my thighs and internal organs. One that goes to success, happiness, and glory.

The eating-solace started when I was born and it’s gone on for five decades. There was no holding, soothing, affection, but, hey, Canada isn’t a third-world country. I got fed. So that’s the addiction I’ve been fighting. Not by dieting. Never done that. Never had the yo-yo-ing weight. Only recently I had the yo-yo thing for the first time. I knew it wasn’t about weight and food. I knew it was about tortured emotions, emotional eating.

Seeking emotional well-being has been ridiculously hard. Counsellors have been as useless as as my ex-husband as far as emotional growth. More like destructive. A band-aid shouldn’t be destructive, but somehow it was. So, I kicked butt to create some well-being on my own. All I have is book-learning. I’m a mess. You are welcome to come along for the ride out of here.